I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
