Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
