someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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