dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
