I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
