I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
