i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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