he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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