you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Randomize
