Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
