Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm bleeding and have questions
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
