The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
