She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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