I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
