Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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