today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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