Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
