two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
