Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Houston, we have a squirter
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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