the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I think my moral compass just broke
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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