i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
