I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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