I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
