my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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