Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
