Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I wear drunk well.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
