I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
