My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
