This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
