if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
