Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
