I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You took a bar mat shot.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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