party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i was born a porn star she said
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
