The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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