I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
