I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
