We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
