I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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