I can text with my tongue
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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