so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
