I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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