I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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