She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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