don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
