they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
