I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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