i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
