I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
3pm strippers are depressing
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Randomize
