we're blogging at a bar
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
