you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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