If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
