i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
