Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
