I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
